Years after Samar (now 23) found support, healing, and hope at ELEM’s Galgal shelter for sexually exploited young women, she bravely spoke out about the sexual abuse she experienced in her youth. Samar featured in a recent episode of the Arabic-language version of Israel’s popular “Sorry For Asking,” series, which explores sensitive topics through thoughtful interviews with directly impacted individuals.
Read some excerpts from her powerful story below:
Q: Do you remember what happened?
Samar: Yes and no. I didn’t remember what happened, I realized what it was that happened. Suddenly, when you grow up, you understand the things that happened when you were a child, and the penny drops. That I went through something, something that shouldn’t have happened to me, happened. It’s confusing to realize this, especially when you don’t yet understand what it was.
It happened sometime between the ages of 3 and 5. It happened at home, it was a family relative.
About a year ago, I had the opportunity to talk to someone who was there at the time. And I asked him: “Do you remember what happened when we were little? Can you tell me that I’m not crazy? That I didn’t make this up?” He said “Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it”. I’m not imagining! It actually happened. But it was also a slap in the face. I was reassured, but on the other hand, he went through that same ordeal that I did.
Q: Who did you tell?
Samar: I had told everyone, everything, immediately. My mother and brothers, they knew everything. I told them what had happened and how. They told me to shut up. They called me crazy for years. They said that I made it all up. I used to see the perpetrator every day. That was hard. But at 14, I decided I can’t go on like that. I went to school, and I decided I’m not coming home again. I decided to talk to the school advisor and tell her everything. I was surprised at how sensitive she was. She said there’s no way you’re going home, we won’t allow that. And so I never did.
Q: Did you blame yourself?
Samar: I blamed myself for freezing. Why didn’t I fight? Shout? Do something?
But I was three, four, maybe five, what could I have done to feel guilty here?
Q: Did you confront the perpetrator?
Samar: It wasn’t up to me. I was a minor. I reported to Welfare, and they filed a complaint. Was something done about it? No. They questioned my mom and the perpetrator, but I was not invited to testify. And so it ended up that I was the crazy one, making up delusions and telling tales. I feel that at this moment, right now, I am confronting him. I really hope that he knows I’m talking about him.
Q: Are you afraid of being assaulted again?
Samar: Of course, there’s always that fear. Will this happen to me again? I’ve already gone through it, maybe it’s written on my forehead “sexual assault victim” and I seem like a target. I’m afraid of getting on a bus alone. I’m always stressed – “Why is he looking at me like that? Why is that person getting closer?”
I’m always careful – where I sit, where I look. Today I’m studying at the university, and I just can’t have someone sitting behind me, I always sit in the back seat.
The fear is always there, but I’ve learned not to freeze. I learned how to cope with these situations.
Q: If the perpetrator apologizes, would you forgive him?
I don’t know if I’d forgive him, but I want to hear him say itL “I’m sorry I did it. I understand that you went through all that because of me”
Q: Why?
I know I’m never going to hear that. But I’m always picturing it in my head. Because that’s what drives me crazy. That he won’t admit it.
Q: Why did you decide to tell your story today?
Samar: Because I understood that people are afraid to talk about this.I used to be afraid to talk. Until right now, actually. I came here with dread. When this episode airs, what will I tell my extended family? The aunties and uncles who didn’t know any of this? I’m done being afraid, and I want to tell my story, because it’s not a rare one. Lots of girls, and even men, even if people don’t know that, go through this, and I want this voice to be heard. Why should I be ashamed for being sexually assaulted? I shouldn’t be ashamed, and shouldn’t let people shame me for it.
